Amy Ponds of the 99% (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
allchildren) wrote2010-03-17 09:49 pm
allchildren) wrote2010-03-17 09:49 pm
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So I've been feeling really out of sorts with LJ and the whole practice of it lately. This stifled boring feeling has been going on for really, a lot longer than just "lately", and in scopes way more real-lifey, too. But it's mutated to a particularly bottlenecked feeling in these last few months where I am constantly full of ideas I have that I just have no idea how to communicate in words, or no energy to give them reasonable context, which is why I turn to the visual medium of Tumblr for expression, and I'm really grateful for that. But I am overwhelmingly a verbal person. I process thoughts and emotions only by putting them into words; I repeat sentiments over and over fumbling for the perfect phrase that will set an idea free; my thoughts are not only usually based in words, but have an actual letter component to them. (Oft-used example: names are all spelling to me, not pronunciation. Once I know that I will never confuse your name with another that sounds the name but is spelled differently. I know people named Carrie, Kerry, Keri, and Kari, and am barely conscious of the possibility that one might consider them variants on the same name.)
I'm already going in weird directions with this.
But I think my point is that at a certain point I have to give up the ghost on communicating verbally the way I think I should -- the way my mental muscle memory wants to -- because I do have things to say, and I do have lots of thoughts, and it's fucking frustrating. I said before that I was going to commit to doing more off-the-cuff posts. I think what I also need to do is acknowledge that LJ is dying for me. Part the site, part the company, and part (my interaction with) the culture; I'm turning twenty-fucking-six in one week and I'm tired of having one more thing to be weird and anxious about. When, if you didn't know, I'm already dealing with depression and anxiety big time right now, and have been running on spoons vapors in a rather ridiculous way. I'm doing what I can now to be a little better, and I am feeling better enough to write this, and if it's not true to me emotionally till I verbalize it... well, here you go! Momentum, please.
HERE ENDETH THE PROBABLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE PEP TALK TO MYSELF
Anyway, have some words about some things!
Dreamwidth: I love this site. I put myself down, rather half-assedly, in the giant non-fandom friending meme, but hahaha oh god haven't had the mental wherewithal to go through anybody else's comments yet. I am really thinking that carving a stronger niche for myself in DW would be good for me, so I may do some reckless subscribing when I get to that. Nobody panic. I am also hoping to actually get![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
oldlifeoldcivilizations (the #overinvestedinradicalstartrekpolitics aliens comm discussed months ago) up and running in time for the Three Weeks for Dreamwidth thing, though I may need a partner in crime or two for that. (I really need to figure out the deal with DW/AOS moderation anyway, for Where No Woman reasons, so... if you are knowledgeable about these things or know someone who would be interested, holla.)
Also I don't know what to do with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
trisfic. Just import over to DW? Having a separate journal for my fanworks did not work out quite as I had hoped it would, in that it is a pain and I'm not good at separating fanworks-me from MY VERY SOUUUUL-me, but I have kind of liked posting things to a place with a smaller audience where I know that everybody at least at one time actively chose to see those things. :/ Possibly the answer is to just make myself a comm, but again with the separation issues. I am multifaceted, okay, with one comes all :(
Telephone etc.: I think Telephone will be a lively Yuletide fandom, which is AWESOMELY EXCITING*. (Here is some fic I just found!!!) The two main ladies of Tiger Beatdown, Sady and C.L., both posted critiques of trans+race+gender issues in the video, which are good to have read even if you don't agree with everything they say (and I do not!). It's been interesting watching this disperse, and the reactions of people who aren't/weren't really Lady Gaga fans. For my part, flail heard 'round the world acknowledged, I do think it could be tons better -- and not just in anti-oppression terms, but artistically -- and it's kind of a thematic mess. But the bizarre collage feeling of it kind of makes me like it more in all its jankiness. I think the same could be said of Gaga's whole persona, really. And of course, the whole thing is just so queertastic in a way that just never happens in the mainstream, which excites me the most (perhaps obviously). I am really interested in its relationship with Beyonce and her shifting image, and how the whole story would be so different -- basically that B has pulled off an enduring cultural impression of being a sweet and classy lady, despite her partnership with Jay-Z (whom I love the fuck out of, but I'm not the boss of pop culture) who, although I think he has successfully styled himself as an impresario above all, is not that far removed from ~gangster rap~ (=antisocial and threatening). But with her Diva video, and then the Video Phone video, B pushed the edges of her clean and, well, normal image. I've seen it said that the Telephone vid is a sequel to Paparazzi (which uhhhh I haven't actually watched yet) (eta and another theory is Bonnie & Clyde '03? which I also haven't seen. lol talking out of my ass), but I can't help but think of it as the natural progression from Video Phone, in which B and Gaga toted fake guns and Beyonce rocked the same Bettie Page 'do, with similar colors, that she does in Telephone. And in Gaga's video (removed doubly from the social threat by Gaga's race and gender and genre) Beyonce commits murder.
Would it be read the same way if it were Beyonce's video about mass murder, with Gaga as her sidekick? How would people react if instead of Telephone the song were a rap song? How would people react if it wasn't Beyonce and Gaga up there killing, but Dre and Slim?
I am not at all suggesting that the hypothetical Dr. Dre/Eminem Telephone murder should be read in an identical way -- Telephone may be treading familiar Tarantino-esque ground but fictional female violence/revenge is still a wholly different thing than male. But just as violence in hip-hop has always been condemned while violence in rock gets a pass, stylized pop violence, adjacent to hip-hop, is worth taking a look at. Intersections of privilege, culture, and image! Oh my!
(Today I read this great profile of Joanna Newsom which discussed her well-publicized hatred of being called elfin and childish. As though she were precocious rather than a well-educated artist who crafted her epic shit with intention, or perhaps channeling some magical spirit rather than doing hard work. When I made a Liz Phair primer years ago I ran across her saying the same thing -- that because she was a blunt young woman she must literally not know better than to confess all her slutty escapades, rather than the truth that she was an artist. And I can't help also but think of my best beloved Bjork, eternally dismissed by the mainstream as SO WEIRD AND CRAZY that she totally just wears swan dresses in fairylike earnest all the time. Whereas everybody totally took Bob Dylan literally when he talked about Louis the King's disposal of 1000 telephones that don't ring, right? So I do think it's important to address expectations of artistry and how privilege interacts with ~cred and what peeps can GET AWAY with.)
* and so THEN my pdl Rawles was like, no big, I will just combine all your Yuletideish feelings ever in one convenient package. (GUESS WHAT IS MY DESKTOP NOW, SRY SIMON PEGG) But when I say "Yuletide" it's kind of a misnomer... for my HEART... because, uh, kind of what I said up at the top of this post. I love that in winter fandom comes together to celebrate small or dead fandoms, but this is my 24/7. It used to just be that I preferred smaller fandoms to the behemoths like HP and Buffy. But even with that preference, I think the last small fandom I was really on the same page with was The Office, circa season three. I might have repeated that with SCC, if SCC had ever manifested a community as I can understand it -- what I saw was a scattered assortment of people discussing occasionally amongst very small circles, so fractured by approach/interest that there was never anything resembling the basic community structure of fandom as I know it. But really there is this impression of post-fandom fandom for me, where virtually everything minus new Trek I have been into for the past three years qualified for Yuletide, where I wish there would be a summer Yuletide, where I feel less and less like I have fandoms and more and more like I have niche interests (and rather than showing those interests via writing, just kind of making up stories or really story *premises* for my own amusement).
I spent last summer being interested in Xena. I spent the fall being interested in DS9. I've spent this winter being interested in moar DS9 and TNG and Lady Gaga. My tastes in current TV never seem to overlap with Fandom's. I am ALWAYS obsessing over some random RPF that exists mainly in my head. And sadly even those 90s genre loves generally don't fall in Yuletide's purview. So while it's a great institution and I plan to keep participating, and it's fun to look forward to, my "fannish" feelings are pretty much nomadic now, and I've spent a lot of time in this awkward growing pains stage (k-kind of like actually growing up?!?!) and I'm now at the point where I have to own that and find a different way to direct these thoughts.
Hence this ridiculous post! Which... I am tired of writing, now. MORE (PERHAPS) LATER!!** Maybe now I will tackle that friending meme or comments backlog. Miracles occasionally happen.
** though this may be dependent on a successful trip to the Genius Bar tomorrow. Wish me & Cameron luck! D:
I'm already going in weird directions with this.
But I think my point is that at a certain point I have to give up the ghost on communicating verbally the way I think I should -- the way my mental muscle memory wants to -- because I do have things to say, and I do have lots of thoughts, and it's fucking frustrating. I said before that I was going to commit to doing more off-the-cuff posts. I think what I also need to do is acknowledge that LJ is dying for me. Part the site, part the company, and part (my interaction with) the culture; I'm turning twenty-fucking-six in one week and I'm tired of having one more thing to be weird and anxious about. When, if you didn't know, I'm already dealing with depression and anxiety big time right now, and have been running on spoons vapors in a rather ridiculous way. I'm doing what I can now to be a little better, and I am feeling better enough to write this, and if it's not true to me emotionally till I verbalize it... well, here you go! Momentum, please.
HERE ENDETH THE PROBABLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE PEP TALK TO MYSELF
Anyway, have some words about some things!
Dreamwidth: I love this site. I put myself down, rather half-assedly, in the giant non-fandom friending meme, but hahaha oh god haven't had the mental wherewithal to go through anybody else's comments yet. I am really thinking that carving a stronger niche for myself in DW would be good for me, so I may do some reckless subscribing when I get to that. Nobody panic. I am also hoping to actually get
oldlifeoldcivilizations (the #overinvestedinradicalstartrekpolitics aliens comm discussed months ago) up and running in time for the Three Weeks for Dreamwidth thing, though I may need a partner in crime or two for that. (I really need to figure out the deal with DW/AOS moderation anyway, for Where No Woman reasons, so... if you are knowledgeable about these things or know someone who would be interested, holla.)Also I don't know what to do with
trisfic. Just import over to DW? Having a separate journal for my fanworks did not work out quite as I had hoped it would, in that it is a pain and I'm not good at separating fanworks-me from MY VERY SOUUUUL-me, but I have kind of liked posting things to a place with a smaller audience where I know that everybody at least at one time actively chose to see those things. :/ Possibly the answer is to just make myself a comm, but again with the separation issues. I am multifaceted, okay, with one comes all :(Telephone etc.: I think Telephone will be a lively Yuletide fandom, which is AWESOMELY EXCITING*. (Here is some fic I just found!!!) The two main ladies of Tiger Beatdown, Sady and C.L., both posted critiques of trans+race+gender issues in the video, which are good to have read even if you don't agree with everything they say (and I do not!). It's been interesting watching this disperse, and the reactions of people who aren't/weren't really Lady Gaga fans. For my part, flail heard 'round the world acknowledged, I do think it could be tons better -- and not just in anti-oppression terms, but artistically -- and it's kind of a thematic mess. But the bizarre collage feeling of it kind of makes me like it more in all its jankiness. I think the same could be said of Gaga's whole persona, really. And of course, the whole thing is just so queertastic in a way that just never happens in the mainstream, which excites me the most (perhaps obviously). I am really interested in its relationship with Beyonce and her shifting image, and how the whole story would be so different -- basically that B has pulled off an enduring cultural impression of being a sweet and classy lady, despite her partnership with Jay-Z (whom I love the fuck out of, but I'm not the boss of pop culture) who, although I think he has successfully styled himself as an impresario above all, is not that far removed from ~gangster rap~ (=antisocial and threatening). But with her Diva video, and then the Video Phone video, B pushed the edges of her clean and, well, normal image. I've seen it said that the Telephone vid is a sequel to Paparazzi (which uhhhh I haven't actually watched yet) (eta and another theory is Bonnie & Clyde '03? which I also haven't seen. lol talking out of my ass), but I can't help but think of it as the natural progression from Video Phone, in which B and Gaga toted fake guns and Beyonce rocked the same Bettie Page 'do, with similar colors, that she does in Telephone. And in Gaga's video (removed doubly from the social threat by Gaga's race and gender and genre) Beyonce commits murder.
Would it be read the same way if it were Beyonce's video about mass murder, with Gaga as her sidekick? How would people react if instead of Telephone the song were a rap song? How would people react if it wasn't Beyonce and Gaga up there killing, but Dre and Slim?
I am not at all suggesting that the hypothetical Dr. Dre/Eminem Telephone murder should be read in an identical way -- Telephone may be treading familiar Tarantino-esque ground but fictional female violence/revenge is still a wholly different thing than male. But just as violence in hip-hop has always been condemned while violence in rock gets a pass, stylized pop violence, adjacent to hip-hop, is worth taking a look at. Intersections of privilege, culture, and image! Oh my!
(Today I read this great profile of Joanna Newsom which discussed her well-publicized hatred of being called elfin and childish. As though she were precocious rather than a well-educated artist who crafted her epic shit with intention, or perhaps channeling some magical spirit rather than doing hard work. When I made a Liz Phair primer years ago I ran across her saying the same thing -- that because she was a blunt young woman she must literally not know better than to confess all her slutty escapades, rather than the truth that she was an artist. And I can't help also but think of my best beloved Bjork, eternally dismissed by the mainstream as SO WEIRD AND CRAZY that she totally just wears swan dresses in fairylike earnest all the time. Whereas everybody totally took Bob Dylan literally when he talked about Louis the King's disposal of 1000 telephones that don't ring, right? So I do think it's important to address expectations of artistry and how privilege interacts with ~cred and what peeps can GET AWAY with.)
* and so THEN my pdl Rawles was like, no big, I will just combine all your Yuletideish feelings ever in one convenient package. (GUESS WHAT IS MY DESKTOP NOW, SRY SIMON PEGG) But when I say "Yuletide" it's kind of a misnomer... for my HEART... because, uh, kind of what I said up at the top of this post. I love that in winter fandom comes together to celebrate small or dead fandoms, but this is my 24/7. It used to just be that I preferred smaller fandoms to the behemoths like HP and Buffy. But even with that preference, I think the last small fandom I was really on the same page with was The Office, circa season three. I might have repeated that with SCC, if SCC had ever manifested a community as I can understand it -- what I saw was a scattered assortment of people discussing occasionally amongst very small circles, so fractured by approach/interest that there was never anything resembling the basic community structure of fandom as I know it. But really there is this impression of post-fandom fandom for me, where virtually everything minus new Trek I have been into for the past three years qualified for Yuletide, where I wish there would be a summer Yuletide, where I feel less and less like I have fandoms and more and more like I have niche interests (and rather than showing those interests via writing, just kind of making up stories or really story *premises* for my own amusement).
I spent last summer being interested in Xena. I spent the fall being interested in DS9. I've spent this winter being interested in moar DS9 and TNG and Lady Gaga. My tastes in current TV never seem to overlap with Fandom's. I am ALWAYS obsessing over some random RPF that exists mainly in my head. And sadly even those 90s genre loves generally don't fall in Yuletide's purview. So while it's a great institution and I plan to keep participating, and it's fun to look forward to, my "fannish" feelings are pretty much nomadic now, and I've spent a lot of time in this awkward growing pains stage (k-kind of like actually growing up?!?!) and I'm now at the point where I have to own that and find a different way to direct these thoughts.
Hence this ridiculous post! Which... I am tired of writing, now. MORE (PERHAPS) LATER!!** Maybe now I will tackle that friending meme or comments backlog. Miracles occasionally happen.
** though this may be dependent on a successful trip to the Genius Bar tomorrow. Wish me & Cameron luck! D: