So I've been feeling really out of sorts with LJ and the whole practice of it lately. This stifled boring feeling has been going on for really, a lot longer than just "lately", and in scopes way more real-lifey, too. But it's mutated to a particularly bottlenecked feeling in these last few months where I am constantly full of ideas I have that I just have no idea how to communicate in words, or no energy to give them reasonable context, which is why I turn to the visual medium of Tumblr for expression, and I'm really grateful for that. But I am overwhelmingly a verbal person. I process thoughts and emotions only by putting them into words; I repeat sentiments over and over fumbling for the perfect phrase that will set an idea free; my thoughts are not only usually based in words, but have an actual letter component to them. (Oft-used example: names are all spelling to me, not pronunciation. Once I know that I will never confuse your name with another that sounds the name but is spelled differently. I know people named Carrie, Kerry, Keri, and Kari, and am barely conscious of the possibility that one might consider them variants on the same name.)
I'm already going in weird directions with this.
But I think my point is that at a certain point I have to give up the ghost on communicating verbally the way I think I should -- the way my mental muscle memory wants to -- because I do have things to say, and I do have lots of thoughts, and it's fucking frustrating. I said before that I was going to commit to doing more off-the-cuff posts. I think what I also need to do is acknowledge that LJ is dying for me. Part the site, part the company, and part (my interaction with) the culture; I'm turning twenty-fucking-six in one week and I'm tired of having one more thing to be weird and anxious about. When, if you didn't know, I'm already dealing with depression and anxiety big time right now, and have been running on spoons
vapors in a rather ridiculous way. I'm doing what I can now to be a little better, and I am feeling better enough to write this, and if it's not true to me emotionally till I verbalize it... well, here you go! Momentum, please.
HERE ENDETH THE PROBABLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE PEP TALK TO MYSELF
Anyway, have some words about some things!( Dreamwidth and the search for e-home )( Lady Gaga, Beyonce, intersectionality, artistic expectations, kitchen sinks )( Yuletide and post-fandom fandom )
Hence this ridiculous post! Which... I am tired of writing, now. MORE (PERHAPS) LATER!!** Maybe now I will tackle that friending meme or comments backlog. Miracles occasionally happen.
** though this may be dependent on a successful trip to the Genius Bar tomorrow. Wish me & Cameron luck! D: